Preface: In the Beginning

Welcome back to My Book on Effective Parenting.  If thou hast not yet read the Welcome page, please click on this link.  

I, the LORD thy God, take great pleasure in sharing with thee My millions of years’ experience in parenting.

Dost thou feel, like Me, that parenting is a never-ending duty that will go on for ever and ever, Amen, and that thou wilt SMITE thine children soon?

Then read on!

This Guide is based on Mine own experiments, since I never had a parent from whom to learn. 

My Book has been translated into hundreds of languages. That’s why it’s called the Holy Babel.

I am a Self-made God, an only child (except for My Son, who is Me anyway), and I created the three of Me as a Trinity, in My own image or several images.

Don’t ask how I could have created Myselves in My own image or images unless I first had an image (or three? and one of thee) of Myself to copy Myselves from, and do not ask where that first, second and third images of Myself or Myselves came from, or the one before the first one (which is the second), or the one before that (which is the third – or is it the first?) and so on ad infinitem.

Just remember that thou shalt have but one God, but that I have imaginary friends.

You do trust me to be a rational teacher, now don’t you?

Before We start, let Us pray.

Dear Me, Father of all Creation, help Me to Guide My Children in the fear of Me. May My Children remain faithful and obedient to Me, always dependent and never asking questions, but worshipping Me in unquestioning adoration, for ever and ever, Amen.

Next exciting chapter: The big question answered! The relationship between s*x and creation! WARNING: ONLY FOR ADULTS!!!!!  Don’t let thine children peek!!! The Book of Genesis, or the Creation. 

Lesson 2: The Book of Favouritism

WELCOME BACK to My Guide to Parenting!!!  This lesson is about controlling thy children effectively.  We will learn later about smiting, but first we need some groundwork on manipulation, an essential weapon in any parent’s toolkit! Remember to model the behaviour you want your children to follow!  Now read on!!!

1.      Favouritism and jealousy are essential tools for controlling thine children.

2.   First, allow some child to think he is the Favourite. There shouldst be no difficulty. In My unlimited experience, most people need no encouragement whatsoever to believe they have found the One Way to be the only one to sit on Daddy’s lap. From there it’s an easy step to believing their Brothers and Sisters are inferior and wrong, and therefore Unrighteous. And verily, verily, shalt thou smite the Unrighteous amongst thee.

3.      Note the cleverness with which I played favouritism with the Hebrews. First I told them they were My Chosen People. Then I made the Romans scatter them to the four corners of the earth. (Didst thou know that the earth is not round? True – Pie are round, Earth are square. Or do I mean Pie are square, Earth are round? Damnation and Hell’s Teeth, I must check My Omnicience Files.)

4.      Then persecuted I the Jews, very Gentilely, for millennia. The game soon became Nasty, then Nazier and finally very Nazi indeed. Then I sent them back to Israel from whence they persecute the Palestinians mercilessly. My Chosen People have truly learned from Me.

5.      Thou canst foment resentment and hatred amongst thine children nearly as effectively as I do. Consider thou Cain and Abel. Cain gave Me a vegetarian dinner, but Abel barbecued Me some nice fatty lamb chops. I scoffed the chops – after all, when thou hast Everlasting Life thou doest not need to worry about cholesterol – until Cain rose up in jealousy, and didst slay Abel. Then was I was able to give Cain a mighty walloping and send him to everlasting Time-Out. Even thus shalt thou control thine children and have peace for thineself.

6.      Forget not also how I didst favour Jacob, a smooth cheat and a liar, over his honest but hairy brother Esau.

7.      Remember also thou the Flood, or Mine water-playtime. I didst drown all the animals and naughty humans, and caused my dolly Noah to live on a small boat with lots of dangerous wild animals. And the stink of the hyeana shit and bloated drowned bodies did rise up unto heaven, and Noah did come to pass out from it. Lmao.

Here endeth the Second Lesson.

Homework assignment:

Write an essay on God’s Favouritism Through the Ages. Tomorrow shalt thou be arbitralily judged. And the winners shall inherit Everlasting Life in the Heavenly Choir singing Everlasting Praises to Me, and the losers shall be condemned to Eternal Hell. The judge’s decision shall be final, and no questions will be entertained about which is most Hellish.

Now proceed to the Third Lesson!!!