God’s Guide to Parenting

Hi, hello and welcome!

A big and hearty thank thee for downloading this Parenting Guide, By God!

This wonderful Guide is based on My best-selling Book, The Holy Bible (God the Father, Son, & Holy Ghost et al., 2000 B.C.E., Heaven: Cherumbim & Seraphim Publishers, revised edition), which thou mayst purchase for just a few dollars at thy favourite bookstore!!!

Get thine today – it’s packed with wonderful child-rearing tips, dietary advice, prophecy, fiction, bigotry and much, much more! All Prophets go to the Profits Fund! Buy YOURS NOW!! For every $10 you spend, $1 goes towards the gift of a better-than-ever Paradise © Cloud-and-Harp Set’ ®™ for disadvantaged Angels.

A Word of warning: some so-called Holy Books have been circulating in recent millenia. THEY ART FORGERIES, SCAMS AND SPAM!!!

My only Authorised Word is the Christian Bible. All other alleged Holy Scriptures were written by False Profits and carry dangerous Viruses. If you receive copies of the following, do not open them!!!!!

Al-Qu’ran, the Hebrew Talmud, the Bagavad Gita, the Vedas, the Sutras, the Book of Mormon, the Guru Granth Sahib, the Kojiki, the Tao-ti-ching, the Katha and Avesta. Any messages from Charles Darwin or Richard Dawkins should be burned immediately in the interests of natural selectivity.

And please warn thy children, so they canst learn to be as intolerant as thou.  

Click this link to go to the next chapter in this God-given book: In the Beginning

Preface: In the Beginning

Welcome back to My Book on Effective Parenting.  If thou hast not yet read the Welcome page, please click on this link.  

I, the LORD thy God, take great pleasure in sharing with thee My millions of years’ experience in parenting.

Dost thou feel, like Me, that parenting is a never-ending duty that will go on for ever and ever, Amen, and that thou wilt SMITE thine children soon?

Then read on!

This Guide is based on Mine own experiments, since I never had a parent from whom to learn. 

My Book has been translated into hundreds of languages. That’s why it’s called the Holy Babel.

I am a Self-made God, an only child (except for My Son, who is Me anyway), and I created the three of Me as a Trinity, in My own image or several images.

Don’t ask how I could have created Myselves in My own image or images unless I first had an image (or three? and one of thee) of Myself to copy Myselves from, and do not ask where that first, second and third images of Myself or Myselves came from, or the one before the first one (which is the second), or the one before that (which is the third – or is it the first?) and so on ad infinitem.

Just remember that thou shalt have but one God, but that I have imaginary friends.

You do trust me to be a rational teacher, now don’t you?

Before We start, let Us pray.

Dear Me, Father of all Creation, help Me to Guide My Children in the fear of Me. May My Children remain faithful and obedient to Me, always dependent and never asking questions, but worshipping Me in unquestioning adoration, for ever and ever, Amen.

Next exciting chapter: The big question answered! The relationship between s*x and creation! WARNING: ONLY FOR ADULTS!!!!!  Don’t let thine children peek!!! The Book of Genesis, or the Creation.